I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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