I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
