grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
