There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
