I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
