dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
