she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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