Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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