Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
