The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
