My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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