I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
