I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
