The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
