Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
