I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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