is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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