1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
