she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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