life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
