We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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