seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
