I cannot find my penis.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
