y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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