I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
