Who wears a wallet chain?!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
