you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
