U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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