During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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