Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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