Moan for me like Helen Keller
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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