I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
