The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
