I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
