I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
