oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
barbara walters just said penis...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
