So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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