i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
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