Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
