I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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