dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she peed on how many people?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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