I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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