if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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