He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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