Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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