I think I am morally bankrupt
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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