So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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