after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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