Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
