My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
