I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
