trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
