I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
COCAINE IS GR8
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
